I’ve dated a lot of guys. Not, like a lot a lot, but a lot. It’s just that I get reallyyyy bored, reallyyyyy fast. With them, and with whatever Dave Matthews song they’re into. So then I break up with them and start dating someone else who is obsessed with another Dave Matthews song. And then I get tired of that one and occasionally find myself with someone who is obsessed with Nickelback, and then I just convince them to jump off their Fortune 500 companies’ building. But I digress.

The point I’m trying to make is that we need to stop being soooo obsessed with finding “The One”/future hubby/guy who will be cool with holding your hand when a baby pops out of your vagina, that we totes forget that it is okay to date someone for the not-so-distant future. I like to call this: Opportunity Dating.

op·por·tu·ni·ty dat·ing [op-er-too-ni-tee deyt-ing]

1. Dating someone because of an appropriate or favorable time or occasion.

Pierre (name has been changed due to restraining order privacy reasons) and I met immediately after my long-term, on-again-off-again, I hate you again-I love you again, you’re an asshole again-you’re so perfect again ex and I had broken up. And by immediately after, I mean he was behind us in line at Whole Foods when it happened.

Me: “What do you mean, you prefer peanut butter to almond butter!? Are you psycho? Are you seeing someone else? Does she have peanut butter? Did she BUY you peanut butter!?”

Ex: “Uh, no. Stop overreacting.”

Me: “Overreacting!? Ohmigod, you’re so annoying. It’s over. Bye. Hand me that tofu.”

Pierre: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Absolutely. Make out with me. Now.”

Pierre: “Sure, whatever.” (He was really good with words.)

So then this make-out/slobber/hickey-giving sesh occurred right there in line at the grocery store, and my ex looked totally shocked and totally grossed out and totally ready to propose to me after I stopped making out with the rando and accepted his apology. That didn’t exactly happen, but my relationship with Pierre was amazing. It lasted until he purchased his Seventh Generation laundry detergent and I realized he hadn’t brought his own shopping bags, so I was done. But my ex was totes jeal, and we got back together the next day and then broke up again a few hours later.

2. Dating someone because of a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.

In the summer of 2010 I was vacaying in Miami which was kind of Spring Break-y/Jersey Shore-y to me, but I totally digged the “No shoes, no shirt, no service; No shoes, no shirt, no shorts, no problem,” uniform going on down there, so it was cool. I found my way to Collins Ave., hoping to score the latest Celine hobo bag I’d had my eye on foreverrrrr for two days, when I realized I’d totally lost all nine of my credit cards the night before. I just, like, really thought that bathroom attendant I’d asked to hold my clutch at the club was a legit, trustworthy person. False. I was super upset for about 14.3 seconds until I realized that the salesperson working at the Celine store was straight, and not as hot as me. Perfect. Jean-Jacques (yes, they were all French) was completely into me, and by closing time I had convinced him to buy me the hobo purse with his store discount. (Side note: I would never actually date someone in retail, but I was so obsessed with that bag!) I found out later that Jean-Jacques got fired because he actually stole the bag for me, which I think makes me an accomplice or something, so I just avoid Miami now. It was too hot anyway.

3. Dating someone for advancement or success.

So I fucked my boss. Okay? Get over it.

Opportunity Dating is really easy and super beneficial. If you’re one of those psychos looking for something long-term, like a shared mortgage or 401k (whatever the hell that is), Opportunity Dating is so not for you. But if you need a hot date to your sister’s third wedding, or someone to hold your purse while you shop, or pay for your stuff while you shop, or shop and pay for your stuff while you sleep, then Opportunity Dating needs to be numero uno on your resume of Shit You Do Well.

Stay crazy,
#kj

Sup, sluts. Thanks to all you thirsty betches for entering, but we’d like to extend a special congrats out to—Jennifer O’Donnell, Jaimee Pohl, Paulina Gines, Johnny Hohenstein and Celia Burns. The vodka WAS ever in your flavor favor. Please email us (contact@vodkavendettas.com) your mailing address within 24 hours because we would just hate hate haaaaate to have to share these flasks with some other psychos.

If there’s one thing Katniss and Peeta needed from their sponsors in the Hunger Games, it wasn’t boring bread. It was a flask filled to the brim with vodka/wine/rum/Everclear (not judging). Now you can have your own Hunger Games+Vodka Vendettas flask. Five lucky winners will receive one flask made by Liquid Courage! And if you’re not a winner, never fear…these flasks are now available for purchase at liquidcourageflasks.com! (Here and here.)

Here’s how to enter:

1. Follow @byLiquidCourage on Twitter.

2. Retweet this tweet and/or this tweet by us!

3. Comment below with your name, email address, and Twitter handle.

You have until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. to enter…the winners will be announced Monday morning!

Let the Giveaway Games begin!

If you have the pleasure of knowing me personally, you can bank on the fact that I’m always always always usually right. Unless, of course, we’re dating, in which case, everything turns into a game of “we don’t understand each others’ perspective, so why don’t we just fight to the death like we’re in the fucking Hunger Games.”

As a betch, I take pride in the fact that I’m, ahem, usually right. So when someone tests me [espesh a S.O. (even if they’re right)] I have to refrain (like, REALLY refrain) from becoming a defensive bitch regardless of what the topic of discussion may be. That’s when the age old question comes into play— “Is it better to be right or to be happy?” For a betch, this is super complicated because for us, being right IS being happy. Am I right? (See what I did there?)

I don’t like apologizing……ever. And usually…..I don’t. But every now and then, I’ll do something that not even I can defend. I hate it. Like, really. But, alas, an apology must be made.

Oh, and for future reference, it’s best to just not do anything that you even MIGHT have to apologize for (because, hello, being sorry sucks). But, as we all know, betches get caught up in the moment and enjoy the last word, even if those words include, “I’m sleeping with your chapter’s president.” Or, “You never meant anything to me, loser,” when obvi neither of those sentiments are actually, well, true.

How to apologize if you were being honest, but what you said was fucked up: Awkward. You actually meant what you said to your BF, but what you said was, like, totes inapprop. And in the heat of the moment your filter was nowhere to be found, just like those Jbrands you let Heather borrow two swaps ago (what the hell, betch?).

Shit girlfriends say: “That shitty-ass ring you gave me for Christmas was HIDS. AS. FUCK.” So yeah, he gave you a less-than-optimal Christmas gift (that turned your finger green), but bringing up that tid-bit in June is neither helpful, relevant, or, well, respectful. This little seemingly harmless sentence will not only hurt your S.O., it’ll also sprout distrust and create a rift between the two of you because you obvs LIED about thinking the ring was “so0o0o0o0o adorbs and sweet!”

Damage control: “Trev, I’m really sorry I said that about the ring you gave me. It was obviously not hids or I wouldn’t have worn it all the time. It was super thoughtful of you to get it for me, and I was a total bitch for saying any of that.” Yes, you said some hurtful shit. But, even betches are human, and we all make mistakes (remember that Juicy tracksuit circa 2004?). 

How to apologize if you said some hurtful shit just for sport: So you didn’t even mean what you said to him. You just got pissed off and let your emotions take ahold of you (grossssss).

Shit girlfriends say: “You never make me happy!!!!” Ouch. Obvs if this were true, you wouldn’t have started dating this bro in the first place. But if you ever feel like being a complete asshole, this is the perfect go-to. It’s like the little black dress of mean shit you should never say to anyone.

Damage control: “I know I can’t take back what I said, but I hope you know I didn’t mean any of that. At all.” Well, those terrible words are already out there, so why not confess that they literally held no stock whatsoever? I hate (like, haaaaaaaaate) when I do things I’m not proud of (unless I’m drunk, then it totes doesn’t count, right?), BUT sometimes I definitely let the vindictive side possess me, which leads to rude words, drink tossing and fake pregnancies (my bad, Josh!).

Remember: The only thing less chic than being sorry is having cellulite. So if you don’t want to have to apologize to anyone, learn the difference between being a betch and being a bitch.Because, I promise, no one wants to date a bitch.

#mc

One of the best things about being a betch is that a mild case of narcissism and self-proclaimed heartlessness is not only accepted, but encouraged. …That sentence is the closest I get to having that warm, fuzzy feeling except when I, you know, buy a new pair of heels (or wedges. or a purse. or a belt. or earrings. or…)

I’m my favorite subject and caring is creepy. I mean, hello? If you aren’t concerned with yourself, who will be, right? And because I love myself so much, it makes it supereasy to determine whether or not someone I’m in a relationship with feels the same way. Natch we all show love in different ways, but if you’re not FBO and he isn’t wining and dining you, like, ever, is he really your boyfriend?

Just because I am, ahem, a bit of a narcissist, doesn’t mean that I have completely lost touch with reality regarding my expectations of the opposite sex. Just…well…somewhat.

Could someone tell Brett that just because he got me a card for Vday doesn’t make up for not. getting. me. a. present.????? Like, you obvi knew it was important enough to require a gesture from your end. But just a card? Really? I’m not saying I expected Yurman (though, I would have preferred it), but I would have settled for some decent chocolate, maybe my favorite magazine and a bottle of wine? Just some suggestions, loser. I baked you a damn cake and wore La Perla, it’s the least you can do (no, wait, the card was the least…).

Oh, Jason, could you, like, I don’t know, say thanks when I travel three hours to visit you? I mean, with more than just your mouth (not like that, you pervs!). But really, actions speak louder than words, so if you could give me a non-sexual massage or agree to watch Clueless, that would be great.

And Alex, if you put down Temple Run for long enough to closed-eye kiss me, I might even consider not sexting your fraternity brother.

See? All relationships have their problems. And ok, ok, I’m not saying that I am clearly obviously totally absolutely undeniably completely without fault. I could be nicer (ew) and way more understanding (gag). But as soon as guys realize betches need love, too, maybe we can be a little more obsessed with them and a little less obsessed with ourselves (maybe).

#mc

Hey, crazies. I can’t believe it’s Friday already! Is it Spring Break for you? Are you drunk and funneling something questionable on the beach? Did you get vom in your hair last night? Did random bros ask you to “check out their condo?” SPRINGBREAK12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, anyway, today we have a giveaway by YQY Jewelry, a jewelry boutique out of Doylestown, PA. This will be our last giveaway for a little bit as we work on transitioning into a new website (woohoo!), so you better strike at the opportunity to enter!

YQY Jewelry sells dainty jewelry that goes with pretty much e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I have worn my sterling silver skull necklace, like, every single day. 

Ok, I know you’re like, “Hey psycho I can’t see that,” but whatever, it’s the best I could do OK? Also, if you’d like to send me money for a boob job, I’ll be happy to send you my  PayPal info. #imkiddingbutnot.

#mc also has a super cute pair of studs from YQY, but she’s a skank-whore-slutbag and went out of town without taking a photo with them! (LYLAS!!!)

This week, YQY is giving away two necklaces. The silver crane pearl necklace and the 14K gold love letter necklace.

Personally, I love them both.

Here’s how to enter:

1. Follow @YQYJewelry on Twitter.

2. Mention us (@VodkaVendettas, duh) in a tweet with your craziest SB moment (from this year, or any Spring Break ever. Except from when you were, like, a freshy in HS. Boring.)

3. Comment ON THIS POST (not our Facebook wall, not the link to this post on our Facebook, not your best friend’s mom’s ex-husband’s link to this post…THIS. POST.) with your name, email address and Twitter handle.

You have until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. to enter. After that I will select two winners, at which time I will email you and ask for your mailing address. You MUST email me your mailing address with 24 hours or I will select someone else. Again, this is the last giveaway for a little while, so enter away!

Congratulations to Audrey Knox, Lindsey Sanders and Kathryn Greer! You three won our Ophelia Bird necklace giveaway! Please email us (contact@vodkavendettas.com) your mailing address within 24 hours so that we don’t give your necklace away to some other classy betch.

We’re baaaaackkkkk! Did you miss us last Friday? Of course you did, we give you free shit you greedy bitches!

This week we’re partnering with Ophelia Bird, a jewelry company ran by Nebraska-based mom Jessica Jahnke. Her pieces are so adorbs! For most of them, she uses vintage pieces and up-cycles them to something totally chic. Which we love, of course, because nothing says “I swear I have a heart,” like going green! Although I (#kj) love them all, my top two faves on her site right now are the tribal statement necklace and the lucky charm necklace. And of course, the giveaway necklace!

Jessica is going to send this pastel pink pendant necklace to three lucky winners! 

Made from new old stock vintage chain and up-cycled, re-purposed materials, this necklace is so perfectly pink and shabby chic. 

The large pastel pink faceted briolette pendant hangs from a gold ring and is suspended from an 18-inch gold-tone brass chain. It’s topped with a perfectly tarnished golden round and closes easily with a gold lobster clasp. 

— opheliabird.etsy.com

Disclaimer: To show off this super cute necklace we had to take photos of ourselves. Unless you, too, are showing off a product please refrain from doing so. Love, #kj and #mc and all your Facebook friends.

(top left): #kj shows off the Ophelia Bird pendant while awkwardly grabbing the top of her boob. It’s fine. (top right): #mc takes a web cam photo of herself circa 2002. (bottom): Ophelia Bird jewelry comes on a charming card, but looks even more charming on!

How to enter:

1. Like Ophelia Bird on Facebook.

2. Find the link on VodkaVendetta’s Facebook page to #mc’s blog post, “He Just IS That Into You” and click “share.” Because every one of your FB gal pals needs to know just when that bro is a pro. It’s pinned to the top of our FB page so it’s not hard to find. Unless you’re drunk. And in that case, we might make an exception. (Note: we CAN see who shares this!)

3. Comment below with your name and email address.

The giveaway will run from today (Friday) until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. Winners will be announced Monday via Twitter, Facebook, our website, and email. So if you don’t see it within 24 hours you need to get a life and get on the internet. And we’ll select someone else. kthnxlylas!

Hey, psychos.

As per the usj ush ujgh usual (what the shit is the abbrev for that!?), we have been receiving a plethora of questions via our Formspring asking us to please please PLEASE reveal the secrets behind the male mind and unveil what his completely fucking confusing not-so-clear signals really mean.

Allow me to preface this by saying that the number ONE way to know a guy you are interested in IS into you is….wait for it…..dun dun dun…here we go, ladies….you will be DATING each other. Duh, you loser. Hello?

Because more than half of the communication we have with these bros occurs via text, I decided it would be relevant to include some example texts that I’m sure we’ve ALL received from one bro or another.

You’re welcome.

“If he’s not ready to DTR, you better not be DTF.”

• Bro Pro: He asks you to dinner instead of his place to “watch a movie.” If he is making strides to court you as opposed to just getting you in bed for a game of suck and blow, then you’re on the right track to relayshville, population=you.

Good: We should probably go out sometime, just let me know when’s good this week (7:16 p.m.)

Bad: Wanna come watch a movie at my place? (12:02 a.m.)

Ugly: hey amnber I think u sdhould probabley ride over (2:12 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: If he texts/calls during daylight hours. If a bro is blowing you up (espesh between 11 p.m.-3 a.m.), he is interested in one thing—your vagina. Unless you are interested in simply being something for this guy to masturbate into, I suggest you don’t reply.

Good: Morning, girl (9:35 a.m.)

Bad: Where you at? (11:33 p.m.)

Ugly: we’ve got beer over here if ur interested (1:36 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: He tells you/implies that he misses YOU, not just your ladyparts. Though we all love to be complimented on how much he loves that thing we do with our tongue, we’re more than just a perfect pair of T’s and pouty lips.

Good: I’d love to see you (8:01 p.m.)

Bad: Wouldn’t mind running into you sometime soon (10:59 p.m.)

Ugly: I really really really wanna hav sex w/ u (3:16 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: He gives you compliments other than how much he loves your pillow talk. Stop. Stop. STOP. Pursuing guys who only talk about how nice your ass is and start dating men who appreciate your ass AND your brains.

Good: You seriously crack me up, funny, smart and beautiful (9:23 p.m.)

Bad: Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are? (11:22 p.m.)

Ugly: youre really hot and id prob not throw u outta bed if u were hre (1:19 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: His friends know who you are (and not just how hot you are). If he is talking about you to his bros (and not just about how much he wants to know your cup size), then there’s a good chance that he’s interested in pursuing a little more than just friendship.

Good: Do you care if we hang out with John and Zach later? They love you (3:44 p.m.)

Bad:

Him: me and the guys are talking about you (9:18 p.m.)

You: really? (9:49 p.m.)

Him: yeah. My friends think you’re hot (9:55 p.m.)

Ugly: Conner just asked me when im gonna hit that (10:40 p.m.)

• Bro Pro: He asks to hang out in advance. It shows that there aren’t other girls on the menu. You should expect to have at least three full days from the time of an invitation is extended to the actual event (date, cocktail, whatever).

Good: You interested in doing something Friday? (11:11 a.m.)

Bad: What are you doing later? (4:13 p.m.)

Ugly: ru free 2night? (9:14 p.m.)

Learn to be more savvy, sluts!

#mc

Congratulations to Lindsay Sikes, Mary Ellen Cameron and Rayne Leonard for winning the Ruffles With Love giveaway! I’m about to email you ladies, please respond within 24 hours with your mailing address to receive the shirts!