Vodka Vendettas

Opportunity Dating: A love story(ies)

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 10:32:00 -0500

I’ve dated a lot of guys. Not, like a lot a lot, but a lot. It’s just that I get reallyyyy bored, reallyyyyy fast. With them, and with whatever Dave Matthews song they’re into. So then I break up with them and start dating someone else who is obsessed with another Dave Matthews song. And then I get tired of that one and occasionally find myself with someone who is obsessed with Nickelback, and then I just convince them to jump off their Fortune 500 companies’ building. But I digress.

The point I’m trying to make is that we need to stop being soooo obsessed with finding “The One”/future hubby/guy who will be cool with holding your hand when a baby pops out of your vagina, that we totes forget that it is okay to date someone for the not-so-distant future. I like to call this: Opportunity Dating.

op·por·tu·ni·ty dat·ing [op-er-too-ni-tee deyt-ing]

1. Dating someone because of an appropriate or favorable time or occasion.

Pierre (name has been changed due to ~~restraining order~~ privacy reasons) and I met immediately after my long-term, on-again-off-again, I hate you again-I love you again, you’re an asshole again-you’re so perfect again ex and I had broken up. And by immediately after, I mean he was behind us in line at Whole Foods when it happened.

Me: “What do you mean, you prefer peanut butter to almond butter!? Are you psycho? Are you seeing someone else? Does she have peanut butter? Did she BUY you peanut butter!?”

Ex: “Uh, no. Stop overreacting.”

Me: “Overreacting!? Ohmigod, you’re so annoying. It’s over. Bye. Hand me that tofu.”

Pierre: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Absolutely. Make out with me. Now.”

Pierre: “Sure, whatever.” (He was really good with words.)

So then this make-out/slobber/hickey-giving sesh occurred right there in line at the grocery store, and my ex looked totally shocked and totally grossed out and totally ready to propose to me after I stopped making out with the rando and accepted his apology. That didn’t exactly happen, but my relationship with Pierre was amazing. It lasted until he purchased his Seventh Generation laundry detergent and I realized he hadn’t brought his own shopping bags, so I was done. But my ex was totes jeal, and we got back together the next day and then broke up again a few hours later.

2. Dating someone because of a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.

In the summer of 2010 I was vacaying in Miami which was kind of Spring Break-y/Jersey Shore-y to me, but I totally digged the “No shoes, no shirt, no service; No shoes, no shirt, no shorts, no problem,” uniform going on down there, so it was cool. I found my way to Collins Ave., hoping to score the latest Celine hobo bag I’d had my eye on ~~foreverrrrr~~ for two days, when I realized I’d totally lost all nine of my credit cards the night before. I just, like, really thought that bathroom attendant I’d asked to hold my clutch at the club was a legit, trustworthy person. False. I was super upset for about 14.3 seconds until I realized that the salesperson working at the Celine store was straight, and not as hot as me. Perfect. Jean-Jacques (yes, they were all French) was completely into me, and by closing time I had convinced him to buy me the hobo purse with his store discount. (Side note: I would never actually date someone in retail, but I was so obsessed with that bag!) I found out later that Jean-Jacques got fired because he actually stole the bag for me, which I think makes me an accomplice or something, so I just avoid Miami now. It was too hot anyway.

3. Dating someone for advancement or success.

So I fucked my boss. Okay? Get over it.

Opportunity Dating is really easy and super beneficial. If you’re one of those psychos looking for something long-term, like a shared mortgage or 401k (whatever the hell that is), Opportunity Dating is so not for you. But if you need a hot date to your sister’s third wedding, or someone to hold your purse while you shop, or pay for your stuff while you shop, or shop and pay for your stuff while you sleep, then Opportunity Dating needs to be numero uno on your resume of Shit You Do Well.

Stay crazy,
#kj

Hunger Games themed Liquid Courage flask winners

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 21:32:42 -0500

Sup, sluts. Thanks to all you thirsty betches for entering, but we’d like to extend a special congrats out to—Jennifer O’Donnell, Jaimee Pohl, Paulina Gines, Johnny Hohenstein and Celia Burns. The vodka WAS ever in your ~~flavor~~ favor. Please email us (contact@vodkavendettas.com) your mailing address within 24 hours because we would just hate hate haaaaate to have to share these flasks with some other psychos.

Special #VV Giveaway — Hunger Games themed Liquid Courage flasks

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 09:33:00 -0500

If there’s one thing Katniss and Peeta needed from their sponsors in the Hunger Games, it wasn’t boring bread. It was a flask filled to the brim with vodka/wine/rum/Everclear (not judging). Now you can have your own Hunger Games+Vodka Vendettas flask. Five lucky winners will receive one flask made by Liquid Courage! And if you’re not a winner, never fear…these flasks are now available for purchase at liquidcourageflasks.com! (Here and here.)

Here’s how to enter:

1. Follow @byLiquidCourage on Twitter.

2. Retweet this tweet and/or this tweet by us!

3. Comment below with your name, email address, and Twitter handle.

You have until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. to enter…the winners will be announced Monday morning!

Let the Giveaway Games begin!

Sorry I Actually AM Sorry: How to Apologize Like a Betch When You're a Bitch

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 23:54:00 -0500

If you have the pleasure of knowing me personally, you can bank on the fact that I’m ~~always~~ ~~always~~ ~~always~~ usually right. Unless, of course, we’re dating, in which case, everything turns into a game of “we don’t understand each others’ perspective, so why don’t we just fight to the death like we’re in the fucking Hunger Games.”

As a betch, I take pride in the fact that I’m, ahem, usually right. So when someone tests me [espesh a S.O. (even if they’re right)] I have to refrain (like, REALLY refrain) from becoming a defensive bitch regardless of what the topic of discussion may be. That’s when the age old question comes into play— “Is it better to be right or to be happy?” For a betch, this is super complicated because for us, being right IS being happy. Am I right? (See what I did there?)

I don’t like apologizing……ever. And usually…..I don’t. But every now and then, I’ll do something that not even I can defend. I hate it. Like, really. But, alas, an apology must be made.

Oh, and for future reference, it’s best to just not do anything that you even MIGHT have to apologize for (because, hello, being sorry sucks). But, as we all know, betches get caught up in the moment and enjoy the last word, even if those words include, “I’m sleeping with your chapter’s president.” Or, “You never meant anything to me, loser,” when obvi neither of those sentiments are actually, well, true.

How to apologize if you were being honest, but what you said was fucked up: Awkward. You actually meant what you said to your BF, but what you said was, like, totes inapprop. And in the heat of the moment your filter was nowhere to be found, just like those Jbrands you let Heather borrow two swaps ago (what the hell, betch?).

Shit girlfriends say: “That shitty-ass ring you gave me for Christmas was HIDS. AS. FUCK.” So yeah, he gave you a less-than-optimal Christmas gift (that turned your finger green), but bringing up that tid-bit in June is neither helpful, relevant, or, well, respectful. This little seemingly harmless sentence will not only hurt your S.O., it’ll also sprout distrust and create a rift between the two of you because you obvs LIED about thinking the ring was “so0o0o0o0o adorbs and sweet!”

Damage control: “Trev, I’m really sorry I said that about the ring you gave me. It was obviously not hids or I wouldn’t have worn it all the time. It was super thoughtful of you to get it for me, and I was a total bitch for saying any of that.” Yes, you said some hurtful shit. But, even betches are human, and we all make mistakes (remember that Juicy tracksuit circa 2004?).

How to apologize if you said some hurtful shit just for sport: So you didn’t even mean what you said to him. You just got pissed off and let your emotions take ahold of you (grossssss).

Shit girlfriends say: “You never make me happy!!!!” Ouch. Obvs if this were true, you wouldn’t have started dating this bro in the first place. But if you ever feel like being a complete asshole, this is the perfect go-to. It’s like the little black dress of mean shit you should never say to anyone.

Damage control: “I know I can’t take back what I said, but I hope you know I didn’t mean any of that. At all.” Well, those terrible words are already out there, so why not confess that they literally held no stock whatsoever? I hate (like, haaaaaaaaate) when I do things I’m not proud of (unless I’m drunk, then it totes doesn’t count, right?), BUT sometimes I definitely let the vindictive side possess me, which leads to rude words, drink tossing and fake pregnancies (my bad, Josh!).

Remember: The only thing less chic than being sorry is having cellulite. So if you don’t want to have to apologize to anyone, learn the difference between being a betch and being a bitch.Because, I promise, no one wants to date a bitch.

#mc

You'll never love me as much as I love myself: Confessions of a Heartless, Narcissistic Psycho

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 01:27:00 -0500

One of the best things about being a betch is that a mild case of narcissism and self-proclaimed heartlessness is not only accepted, but encouraged. …That sentence is the closest I get to having that warm, fuzzy feeling except when I, you know, buy a new pair of heels (or wedges. or a purse. or a belt. or earrings. or…)

I’m my favorite subject and caring is creepy. I mean, hello? If you aren’t concerned with yourself, who will be, right? And because I love myself so much, it makes it supereasy to determine whether or not someone I’m in a relationship with feels the same way. Natch we all show love in different ways, but if you’re not FBO and he isn’t wining and dining you, like, ever, is he really your boyfriend?

Just because I am, ahem, a bit of a narcissist, doesn’t mean that I have completely lost touch with reality regarding my expectations of the opposite sex. Just…well…somewhat.

Could someone tell Brett that just because he got me a card for Vday doesn’t make up for not. getting. me. a. present.????? Like, you obvi knew it was important enough to require a gesture from your end. But just a card? Really? I’m not saying I expected Yurman (though, I would have preferred it), but I would have settled for some decent chocolate, maybe my favorite magazine and a bottle of wine? Just some suggestions, loser. I baked you a damn cake and wore La Perla, it’s the least you can do (no, wait, the card was the least…).

Oh, Jason, could you, like, I don’t know, say thanks when I travel three hours to visit you? I mean, with more than just your mouth (not like that, you pervs!). But really, actions speak louder than words, so if you could give me a non-sexual massage or agree to watch Clueless, that would be great.

And Alex, if you put down Temple Run for long enough to closed-eye kiss me, I might even consider not sexting your fraternity brother.

See? All relationships have their problems. And ok, ok, I’m not saying that I am ~~clearly~~ ~~obviously~~ ~~totally~~ ~~absolutely~~ ~~undeniably~~ completely without fault. I could be nicer (ew) and way more understanding (gag). But as soon as guys realize betches need love, too, maybe we can be a little more obsessed with them and a little less obsessed with ourselves (maybe).

#mc

#VV Friday Giveaway — YQY Jewelry

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:15:19 -0500

Hey, crazies. I can’t believe it’s Friday already! Is it Spring Break for you? Are you drunk and funneling something questionable on the beach? Did you get vom in your hair last night? Did random bros ask you to “check out their condo?” SPRINGBREAK12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, anyway, today we have a giveaway by YQY Jewelry, a jewelry boutique out of Doylestown, PA. This will be our last giveaway for a little bit as we work on transitioning into a new website (woohoo!), so you better strike at the opportunity to enter!

YQY Jewelry sells dainty jewelry that goes with pretty much e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I have worn my sterling silver skull necklace, like, every single day.

Ok, I know you’re like, “Hey psycho I can’t see that,” but whatever, it’s the best I could do OK? Also, if you’d like to send me money for a boob job, I’ll be happy to send you my PayPal info. #imkiddingbutnot.

#mc also has a super cute pair of studs from YQY, but she’s a skank-whore-slutbag and went out of town without taking a photo with them! (LYLAS!!!)

This week, YQY is giving away two necklaces. The silver crane pearl necklace and the 14K gold love letter necklace.

Personally, I love them both.

Here’s how to enter:

1. Follow @YQYJewelry on Twitter.

2. Mention us (@VodkaVendettas, duh) in a tweet with your craziest SB moment (from this year, or any Spring Break ever. Except from when you were, like, a freshy in HS. Boring.)

3. Comment ON THIS POST (not our Facebook wall, not the link to this post on our Facebook, not your best friend’s mom’s ex-husband’s link to this post…THIS. POST.) with your name, email address and Twitter handle.

You have until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. to enter. After that I will select two winners, at which time I will email you and ask for your mailing address. You MUST email me your mailing address with 24 hours or I will select someone else. Again, this is the last giveaway for a little while, so enter away!

Ophelia Bird necklace giveaway winners

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 17:37:54 -0500

Congratulations to Audrey Knox, Lindsey Sanders and Kathryn Greer! You three won our Ophelia Bird necklace giveaway! Please email us (contact@vodkavendettas.com) your mailing address within 24 hours so that we don’t give your necklace away to some other classy betch.

#VV Friday Giveaway — Ophelia Bird Necklace

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 08:27:00 -0600

We’re baaaaackkkkk! Did you miss us last Friday? Of course you did, we give you free shit you greedy bitches!

This week we’re partnering with Ophelia Bird, a jewelry company ran by Nebraska-based mom Jessica Jahnke. Her pieces are so adorbs! For most of them, she uses vintage pieces and up-cycles them to something totally chic. Which we love, of course, because nothing says “I swear I have a heart,” like going green! Although I (#kj) love them all, my top two faves on her site right now are the tribal statement necklace and the lucky charm necklace. And of course, the giveaway necklace!

Jessica is going to send this pastel pink pendant necklace to three lucky winners!

Made from new old stock vintage chain and up-cycled, re-purposed materials, this necklace is so perfectly pink and shabby chic.

The large pastel pink faceted briolette pendant hangs from a gold ring and is suspended from an 18-inch gold-tone brass chain. It’s topped with a perfectly tarnished golden round and closes easily with a gold lobster clasp.

— opheliabird.etsy.com

Disclaimer: To show off this super cute necklace we had to take photos of ourselves. Unless you, too, are showing off a product please refrain from doing so. Love, #kj and #mc and all your Facebook friends.

(top left): #kj shows off the Ophelia Bird pendant while awkwardly grabbing the top of her boob. It’s fine. (top right): #mc takes a web cam photo of herself circa 2002. (bottom): Ophelia Bird jewelry comes on a charming card, but looks even more charming on!

How to enter:

1. Like Ophelia Bird on Facebook.

2. Find the link on VodkaVendetta’s Facebook page to #mc’s blog post, “He Just IS That Into You” and click “share.” Because every one of your FB gal pals needs to know just when that bro is a pro. It’s pinned to the top of our FB page so it’s not hard to find. Unless you’re drunk. And in that case, we might make an exception. (Note: we CAN see who shares this!)

3. Comment below with your name and email address.

The giveaway will run from today (Friday) until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. Winners will be announced Monday via Twitter, Facebook, our website, and email. So if you don’t see it within 24 hours you need to get a life and get on the internet. And we’ll select someone else. kthnxlylas!

He Just IS That Into You

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 23:12:00 -0600

Hey, psychos.

As per the ~~usj~~ ~~ush~~ ~~ujgh~~ usual (what the shit is the abbrev for that!?), we have been receiving a plethora of questions via our Formspring asking us to please please PLEASE reveal the secrets behind the male mind and unveil what his ~~completely fucking confusing~~ not-so-clear signals really mean.

Allow me to preface this by saying that the number ONE way to know a guy you are interested in IS into you is….wait for it…..dun dun dun…here we go, ladies….you will be DATING each other. Duh, you loser. Hello?

Because more than half of the communication we have with these bros occurs via text, I decided it would be relevant to include some example texts that I’m sure we’ve ALL received from one bro or another.

You’re welcome.

“If he’s not ready to DTR, you better not be DTF.”

Bro Pro: He asks you to dinner instead of his place to “watch a movie.” If he is making strides to court you as opposed to just getting you in bed for a game of suck and blow, then you’re on the right track to relayshville, population=you.

Good: We should probably go out sometime, just let me know when’s good this week (7:16 p.m.)

Bad: Wanna come watch a movie at my place? (12:02 a.m.)

Ugly: hey amnber I think u sdhould probabley ride over (2:12 a.m.)

Bro Pro: If he texts/calls during daylight hours. If a bro is blowing you up (espesh between 11 p.m.-3 a.m.), he is interested in one thing—your vagina. Unless you are interested in simply being something for this guy to masturbate into, I suggest you don’t reply.

Good: Morning, girl (9:35 a.m.)

Bad: Where you at? (11:33 p.m.)

Ugly: we’ve got beer over here if ur interested (1:36 a.m.)

Bro Pro: He tells you/implies that he misses YOU, not just your ladyparts. Though we all love to be complimented on how much he loves that thing we do with our tongue, we’re more than just a perfect pair of T’s and pouty lips.

Good: I’d love to see you (8:01 p.m.)

Bad: Wouldn’t mind running into you sometime soon (10:59 p.m.)

Ugly: I really really really wanna hav sex w/ u (3:16 a.m.)

Bro Pro: He gives you compliments other than how much he loves your pillow talk. Stop. Stop. STOP. Pursuing guys who only talk about how nice your ass is and start dating men who appreciate your ass AND your brains.

Good: You seriously crack me up, funny, smart and beautiful (9:23 p.m.)

Bad: Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are? (11:22 p.m.)

Ugly: youre really hot and id prob not throw u outta bed if u were hre (1:19 a.m.)

Bro Pro: His friends know who you are (and not just how hot you are). If he is talking about you to his bros (and not just about how much he wants to know your cup size), then there’s a good chance that he’s interested in pursuing a little more than just friendship.

Good: Do you care if we hang out with John and Zach later? They love you (3:44 p.m.)

Bad:

Him: me and the guys are talking about you (9:18 p.m.)

You: really? (9:49 p.m.)

Him: yeah. My friends think you’re hot (9:55 p.m.)

Ugly: Conner just asked me when im gonna hit that (10:40 p.m.)

Bro Pro: He asks to hang out in advance. It shows that there aren’t other girls on the menu. You should expect to have at least three full days from the time of an invitation is extended to the actual event (date, cocktail, whatever).

Good: You interested in doing something Friday? (11:11 a.m.)

Bad: What are you doing later? (4:13 p.m.)

Ugly: ru free 2night? (9:14 p.m.)

Learn to be more savvy, sluts!

#mc

Ruffles With Love Giveaway Winners

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 08:23:48 -0600

Congratulations to Lindsay Sikes, Mary Ellen Cameron and Rayne Leonard for winning the Ruffles With Love giveaway! I’m about to email you ladies, please respond within 24 hours with your mailing address to receive the shirts!

#VV Friday Giveaway — Ruffles With Love Workout Tops

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 08:52:25 -0600

It’s a common issue among those of us who are not into the whole T-shirt, Norts, tennis shoes everysingleday thing, that when we go to the gym we (ohmigosh) blend in. Sure, I use it as the only public place I can wear my ex’s fraternity shirts, and the only place I can check myself out in the mirror for extended periods of time without seeming conceited. But the gym needs to also be away to get some points across.

This week’s giveaway, gym shirts made by Ruffles With Love, will get across the point that you’re into looking good, but you’re also not a thrown away child either. Common broski-voiced sayings in girly colors accented by a bow on the back say “I may be disgusting and sweaty and listening to Olivia Newton John, but you can buy me a drink later.”

Ruffles With Love is giving away three of their shirts this week.

Here’s how to enter:

1. Like Ruffles With Love on Facebook.

2. Go to our Facebook page and find the link to #kj’s blog post for CTL, “The No BS Reasons You Should Get to the Gym.” Click “Share” and share with all of your Facebook friends! It should be right below the link about this giveaway! (Note: We CAN see who shares the link, so no cheating!)

3. Comment below with your name and email address.

The giveaway will last from now until 11:59 p.m., Sunday night. Monday morning we will pick the winners, and email you requesting your mailing address. You must reply within 24 hours to receive your shirt!

Thanksloveyoubye.

Liquid Courage giveaway winners

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 09:25:59 -0600

Yayyyy, Bridget Foley, Katie Hill, Eliza Hunt, Mabel Jane Hoevker and Jessica Daniels for winning the Liquid Courage flask giveaway! Please email us your mailing address to contact@vodkavendettas.com within the next 24 hours. Happy drinking!

#VV Friday Giveaway — Liquid Courage Flasks

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 10:02:00 -0600

You probably didn’t wake up this morning thinking that you were tired of plain, liquor store or gas station purchased flasks. But you are. You totally are. Which is why you need a flask from Liquid Courage, an online retailer that sells handmade flasks that are to ~~die~~ drink for. They even have personalized flasks! Nothing says, “don’t steal my alchy, bitch,” like your initials monogrammed to your flask. Am I right? amirite?

Liquid Courage is owned by husband-and-wife duo Tyler and Amy Fisk, who began selling their products on Etsy, and now have their own personal online store, liquidcourageflasks{dot}com. The flask designs are made on high quality 3.75 mill vinyl and are completely ~~vodka~~ ~~whiskey~~ ~~rum~~ water proof!

This week, Liquid Courage is giving away five flasks with some of your favorite @VodkaVendettas tweets printed on them!

Here’s how to enter: (It’s a little different than the last two giveaways, so please read!)

1. Mention @VodkaVendettas in a tweet describing what you love about us with hashtag #vvgiveaway! <3

2. Follow @byLiquidCourage on Twitter.

3. Comment below with your name, email AND Twitter handle!

The giveaway will run until Sunday at 11:59 p.m., and winners will be announced Monday morning! We will then email the winners to request their mailing addresses. The winners will have 24 hours to respond to the email before we pick someone else. Who receives which flask will be totally at random, so please don’t request which one you’d like. While you’re anxiously awaiting for the results, check out Liquid Courage’s website, Twitter, Facebook and Etsy page!

"Bread is the Devil" giveaway winners

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 11:01:00 -0600

Congrats to Heather Hopkins, Colleen Beach, Brianna Desrochers, Claire Monahan and Brittni Sapper, who all won signed copies of Heather Bauer’s book, Bread is the Devil! Email us your mailing address within the next 24 hours to contact@vodkavendettas.com so that we can get the book to you.

Keep looking for upcoming giveaways!

#VV Giveaway — "Bread is the Devil" by Heather Bauer

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0600

We all have our own food devils. Maybe it’s Ben and Jerry’s “Imagine Whirled Peace.” Maybe it’s movie theater popcorn. Or maybe it’s those S’mores PopTarts your boyfriend keeps in his apartment that he never eats that call your name every morning when he leaves for class that you just. can’t. resist. I’m not saying that’s mine….butimjustsayin.

The point is, dieting is nearly as impossible as getting your eyeliner to stay on your waterline when you don’t know how to avoid the “diet devils.” Heather Bauer, nutritionist, author, mother of three, creator of Nu-Train, New Yorker, runner and just all-around badass, has written Bread is the Devil for just these issues. Maybe you’re a free-style dieter, pretending you can guess and count all those calories in your head when, let’s face it, you struggled through pre-algebra freshman year. Or maybe you’re a OMG-It’s-My-BFF’s-21st-So-I-Can-TOTALLY-Have-This-Queso-Dip-And-Pitcher-Of-Margs dieter. Or perhaps you, like me, suffer from “boredom bingeing,” or what I like to call, “SVU marathon eating.” Whatever your vice, Bread is the Devil has a way to fix the situation, and Heather Bauer herself has some words of wisdom for when your diet devil is that Jäger shot at the bar:

Most diets don’t work because the only way you could possibly follow them is if you lived in a hermetically sealed bubble. That’s not the case in my new book Bread is the Devil. Over the last 12 years I’ve helped thousands successfully lose weight and keep it off. The secret? I understand the connection between behavior and eating. Bread is the Devil gives you an easy-to-follow 3 week plan, as well as strategies for 10 important “diet devils” — the underlying situations that are the real reason we are all 5, 10 or 80 pounds overweight. We all have a few. Whether it be the Dine Out Devil, the Late Night Shuffle, or Boredom Bingeing, my book will give you the ultimate solution. My other claim to fame? Realizing that people have non-negotiables. For many of my clients, it’s drinking (see, you’re not alone!). So sidle up to the bar, because you don’t have to give it up. All you have to do is tweak what you drink and build it in. Good news, vodka is one of my top picks!

For this giveaway, Heather is sending out FIVE of her books, signed, to those who enter! Here’s how:

1. Like Vodka Vendettas on Facebook.

2. Like Heather Bauer on Facebook.

3. Follow Heather Bauer on Twitter.

4. Comment below with your name and email address.

The time table to enter is now until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. Monday we will pick and announce the winner, and email them to request their mailing address. If you win and do not reply to your email within 24 hours, we will select someone else.

Happy entering!

The Ex Effect- When To Say "When"

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:28:00 -0600

We had a question asked via our Formspring that inspired this post:

“Is it ever worth it/even possible to be friends with an ex? We’ve been broken up for a few months and he said he wants to be friends (he broke up with me). my feelings for him aren’t completely gone…but i dont want him out of my life completely…help”

To view my direct response, go here: Formspring

It IS possible to maintain a genuine friendship with an ex. But you have to understand, that this is the exception, not the rule. When a relationship is over, it doesn’t mean that you have to necessarily remove this person out of your life completely (unless they, like, killed your cat or something….RIP, Fluffykins). You just need to be honest with yourself and know when you are ready to be friends, ready to be acquaintances, or ready to let that shit burn (and by “shit,” I mean his shit that he left at your place before you caught him cheating. Bonfire, anyone?).

The top three reasons you shouldn’t “be friends” just yet (or ever)—

If you (yes, you) are the dumpee (as in, the one currently shoveling Ben & Jerry’s from a spatula down your throat and crying to The Notebook in yoga pants and his old football jersey), then you. aren’t. ready. You can pretend it was mutual or try to convince yourself that if you take him up on his “just friends” suggestion that you can eventually manipulate your way back into the GF posish (position, duh). Well, honey, I hate to break your heart twice, but you’re totes delusional. If he dumped you, odds are, he’s not coming back. And ew, why would you want him to????? Get your skinny fatass off that Dorito-covered Futon, go to the gym, wave when you see him, and pretend like you just don’t give a fuck. And guess what? When you continue to do this, you actually will end up NOT caring. At all. Oh, and don’t even CONSIDER going to that lunch date. While he may just want to check up on you, you’ll misconstrue the entire event as his attempt to reconcile and then all the progress you’ve made will be forgotten, and all you’ll be able to remember are the China patterns you want for your future home together. You aren’t ready for a friendship with him until you’re the one who cares less. Remember that. And try not to mislead yourself or anyone else into believing otherwise.

He cheated. Or did something equally awful (like, suggest you are a medium when you’re clearly a small. Or, like, take you shopping at Sears or….*gasp*….Payless). I mean, this should be a no-brainer, right? If I’m not in a relaysh with him, I shouldn’t be friends with him, either? Exactly! No matter how much you would like to pretend you’re over him and “over it,” it doesn’t matter because, hello? This guy sucks. If he was that shitty of a boyfriend, how good of a friend do you honestly think he’s going to be to you when you are no longer doing his laundry, or making his sandwich, or giving him bj’s? Snap out of it, you silly betch! If he did something so extremely unforgivable, then why would you even consider rewarding him with the honor of your friendship? Of course he’s saying he’s “sorry.” Hell, he might even mean it. But the fact of the matter is, if he ever respected you enough in the first place, he wouldn’t have done the thing that he did, because you would mean too much for him to want to jeopardize that. The harsh reality is that you didn’t, so he did. Why assume he’s going to respect you any more as a friend than he did as your boyfriend? I’m not encouraging sending him queued hatemail every Thursday or tweeting his mom about how awful of a son she’s raised. But you need to accept that what he did was wrong and if it was enough to crumble a relationship, you need to know that there might not be enough left between you two to salvage a friendship.

You are dating someone else. Ok, like I said, there are instances where the unthinkable happens— the stars align, the angels sing and everything just really falls into place. Odds are, this isn’t that time. If you were once involved with a bro, unless it was, you know, in middle school and you’re like a soph in college, it’s safe to say this guy is out of the running for bestie-boo material. I’m not saying you can’t pull a stop-and-chat when you run into him on campus or do the wave when you see him at the bar after ~~two~~ ~~three~~ five vodka sodas. I’m just saying that out of respect for your current partner, maintaining a friendship with a bro who used to be inside of you, might be a little inapprop. I mean, imagine if the Jimmy Choo were on the other foot, would you want your guy hanging out with some skank that he used to call a “girlfriend?” Obvi no!

No matter what the terms were during the breakup, there are always going to be some unresolved feelings and emotions attached to the relaysh that once was. This is normal. If they’re lukewarm for both of you, then whatevs, just proceed into a friendship with caution. I always recommend being civil with an ex. I mean, duh, at least pretend to not hate that uglyhot bastard with his ~~cheap~~ new arm candy (think: Sixlets, not Godiva), right? Right.

#mc

Exclusiv Vodka and Moscato Giveaway Winners

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 12:35:00 -0600

Congrats to the five winners of our Exlusiv vodka and moscato giveaway! Adrienne Gorman, Karen Rodenheiser, Joanna Perry, Effie Miller and Sarah Head have all been selected as winners using a random line picker. The five of you have all been emailed regarding your mailing address and must reply within 48 hours!

Disappointed that your name isn’t on the list? Don’t be…we are working on future giveaways! Keep checking the blog/Facebook/Twitter for info on when the next one will be.

Keep loving #VV!

#kj

#VV Giveaway — Exclusiv Vodka and Moscato

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:39:00 -0600

We are super excited about our first giveaway! Seriously. We’d be smiling right now but our mud masks are about dry. We want to make this a weekly thing, so if you have a product you would like to provide for an upcoming giveaway, know someone who does or just have an idea of a brand you’d like to see, email us at vodkavendettas@gmail.com!

It’s no secret that we love vodka. Duh. But if there’s one thing we like better than vodka, it’s good vodka. And if there’s one we like better than that, it’s GOOD FREE VODKA! Enter Exclusiv Vodka. A crisp, clean vodka with the right amount of kick, Exclusiv hails from the country of Maldova, and is actually spelled “vodca.” (We won’t hate them for the misspelling, considering we’ve probably spelled it, “V0DKKASADASDAAAAAA!!!”). I (#kj) died for it in a Bloody Mary, but that might be my New Orleans roots ~~drinking~~ talking. Try it with tonic water and lime for a low-cal, sexy drink.

This week, Exclusiv is giving away a bottle of their vodka and a bottle of their moscato (also totes amaze) to FIVE of our followers!

How to enter:

1. Like Vodka Vendettas on Facebook.

2. Like Exclusiv Vodka on Facebook.

3. Leave a comment below with your name and email address in the comment box (not just the Disqus Login box!)

Unfortunately, Exclusiv can only deliver to the US but cannot deliver alcohol to the following states: Massachusetts, Kentucky, Maryland, Montana, South Dakota, Texas and Utah, and to the following cities in New Hampshire: Brookfield - 03872, Ellisworth - 03223, Landaff - 03585, Monroe - 03771, and Sharon – 03458. If you live in one of those states or cities, we are terribly sorry and hope that you will be able to participate in our next giveaway! Also, please make sure that someone who is age 21 or up will be able to sign for the package.

You have until Monday at 10 a.m. to enter, when we will announce the winners and contact the lucky 5 for shipping information!

We are so ecstat (ecstatic, duh) about this giveaway and can’t wait for all the ones to come!

VV meets with The FFJD to discuss the Super Bowl and the men in it

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:44:34 -0600

VV meets with The FFJD to discuss the Super Bowl and the men in it

In defense of the Kardashians

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:29:00 -0600

The Kardashians get a lot of shit. No, I don’t mean the good kind, like Kourtney’s black python Celine Luggage tote (want), but the super jeal haters who troll the interwebz bitching about how they are sucking the life out of television, ruining youthful minds, yada, yada, yada.

So no, we’re not sure how they got famous. It’s some combination of the Kim-Ray J sex tape, Robert Kardashian, Sr. being one of OJ’s 5,000 lawyers, Bruce Jenner being the world’s worst case of plastic surgery gone wrong, or maybe those Olympic gold medals he won (NBD). Or it could be Kris Jenner’s Grammy-award winning music video, “I Love My Friends.” (We do, after all, love our friends.) But I have a better question for you, judgmental jerks: WHO. CARES!?

Not a day goes by that I don’t think, “Where the hell are the cameras following my life?” If someone wanted to pay me to have the most awkward run-ins in history, fight passive-aggressively with my best friend via Twitter, or tell my boyfriend he’s being annoying, um, duh I would say “OK, now where’s my diet pill contract?”

Not only are their lives the most dramatic thing to hit television since the “Donna Martin Graduates” episode of 90210, but they touch on real-life issues and give hope to all ages! Before Scott Disick I would have sworn no man could go from being an arrogant, alcoholic asshole to being a funny, empathetic boyfriend in the span of a year. Kim’s 72-day “marriage,” made me feel better about all 14 of my relationships that lasted under three months. Fail your driver’s test the first go-round? It’s OK, so did Kendall Jenner! Think your Mom is the most annoying woman on the planet? At least she’s not Kris Jenner. And best of all, when I find myself on the floor of the kitchen at 2 a.m. licking Cheeto cheese off my fingers, I know that somewhere in L.A., Rob Kardashian is probably downing a bag of Lay’s and struggling with his food addiction.

So hate on, haters. Because not only are the Kardashians not going anywhere anytime soon (I mean, there are, like, 47 of them!), they’re taking every major city in America, and making millions of dollars doing the more expensive version of what I do everyday.

Just try to rock a center part like they do. Just. Try.

#kj