Hey, psychos.

As per the usj ush ujgh usual (what the shit is the abbrev for that!?), we have been receiving a plethora of questions via our Formspring asking us to please please PLEASE reveal the secrets behind the male mind and unveil what his completely fucking confusing not-so-clear signals really mean.

Allow me to preface this by saying that the number ONE way to know a guy you are interested in IS into you is….wait for it…..dun dun dun…here we go, ladies….you will be DATING each other. Duh, you loser. Hello?

Because more than half of the communication we have with these bros occurs via text, I decided it would be relevant to include some example texts that I’m sure we’ve ALL received from one bro or another.

You’re welcome.

“If he’s not ready to DTR, you better not be DTF.”

• Bro Pro: He asks you to dinner instead of his place to “watch a movie.” If he is making strides to court you as opposed to just getting you in bed for a game of suck and blow, then you’re on the right track to relayshville, population=you.

Good: We should probably go out sometime, just let me know when’s good this week (7:16 p.m.)

Bad: Wanna come watch a movie at my place? (12:02 a.m.)

Ugly: hey amnber I think u sdhould probabley ride over (2:12 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: If he texts/calls during daylight hours. If a bro is blowing you up (espesh between 11 p.m.-3 a.m.), he is interested in one thing—your vagina. Unless you are interested in simply being something for this guy to masturbate into, I suggest you don’t reply.

Good: Morning, girl (9:35 a.m.)

Bad: Where you at? (11:33 p.m.)

Ugly: we’ve got beer over here if ur interested (1:36 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: He tells you/implies that he misses YOU, not just your ladyparts. Though we all love to be complimented on how much he loves that thing we do with our tongue, we’re more than just a perfect pair of T’s and pouty lips.

Good: I’d love to see you (8:01 p.m.)

Bad: Wouldn’t mind running into you sometime soon (10:59 p.m.)

Ugly: I really really really wanna hav sex w/ u (3:16 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: He gives you compliments other than how much he loves your pillow talk. Stop. Stop. STOP. Pursuing guys who only talk about how nice your ass is and start dating men who appreciate your ass AND your brains.

Good: You seriously crack me up, funny, smart and beautiful (9:23 p.m.)

Bad: Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are? (11:22 p.m.)

Ugly: youre really hot and id prob not throw u outta bed if u were hre (1:19 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: His friends know who you are (and not just how hot you are). If he is talking about you to his bros (and not just about how much he wants to know your cup size), then there’s a good chance that he’s interested in pursuing a little more than just friendship.

Good: Do you care if we hang out with John and Zach later? They love you (3:44 p.m.)

Bad:

Him: me and the guys are talking about you (9:18 p.m.)

You: really? (9:49 p.m.)

Him: yeah. My friends think you’re hot (9:55 p.m.)

Ugly: Conner just asked me when im gonna hit that (10:40 p.m.)

• Bro Pro: He asks to hang out in advance. It shows that there aren’t other girls on the menu. You should expect to have at least three full days from the time of an invitation is extended to the actual event (date, cocktail, whatever).

Good: You interested in doing something Friday? (11:11 a.m.)

Bad: What are you doing later? (4:13 p.m.)

Ugly: ru free 2night? (9:14 p.m.)

Learn to be more savvy, sluts!

#mc

This question was asked via our Formspring.

Dear Vodka Vendettas,

In response to the radio metaphor of relational behaviors: as a guy, how does one get from the song that’s good but not good enough to leave on to the song that’s stuck on repeat?

Love,

Desperately Seeking Repeat

Dear Desperately Seeking Repeat,

Friendzone, eh? I hate to say this, but it’s really her move at this point. The ball is in her court, and there’s not much you can do. I mean, duh, presents and sushi don’t hurt, but do you really want to have to BUY her affections? I know you may be thinking, “I don’t care how I get her as long as I get her.” Well, stop. That’s probably one reason you’re just “The Guy to Have Fun With” and not “The Guy to Relaysh With.” Women don’t want to date “friends.” We already have a vagina, we don’t need another one.

What you need to do now is really assess your situation. Do you even really like this girl? What do you really know about her? Could you stand only being friends with her? Do you just want to have sex with her?

After you’ve reached an honest conclusion on whether or not you really, truly want to date her, then you can make certain strides to get out of the FZ, but once you’re there, I will warn you, it’s hard to escape….

-Always be a gentleman, but never be a p******

*(I hate that word, but I really couldn’t think of a synonym that really drove the point across.)

Open doors, get dinner, listen to her. Like, REALLY listen to her (we like that shit). You need to show her that you care, duh, but you can’t make yourself overly available. Guys don’t like that, and guess what? We don’t either. If you’re too available, it freaks us out. Like, WHY aren’t you busy? Why did you respond to my text within two minutes? Why did you just “like” something on my FB from three months ago? Are you some kindof weirdo? Are you going to save strands of my hair? Are you going to kill me?

-Don’t pressure her into dating you

This should just be common sense, but from what I’ve seen—it isn’t. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FORCE SOMEONE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU?!!! Trying to manipulate and coerce a girl to be in a relaysh with you is pathetic. And in fact, it’s going to be completely counterproductive because then she’s going to realize how much of a loser you are. Sorry I’m not sorry. Just be cool and relaxed. And no, I don’t just mean act cool and relaxed. Actually BE cool and relaxed. You need to slow your roll and accept that FZ really might be as far as this goes. And you need to honestly, genuinely be ok with that. If this chick means as much to you as you think, being friends with her will be better than nothing at all. Duh.

-Be confident

I’m not saying you need to develop some seedy, douchey alter bro-ego, I’m just saying if you’re needy and insecure all the time, no one is going to want to fuck date you, including the girl in question. If you’re constantly asking, “Is anything wrong?” “Are you ok?” “Do you think this could ever go anywhere?” The answers are, “Yes, you.” “No.” “And hell no.” Like I said before, you need to RELAX and be willing to see where this goes without forcing anything. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more likely it is for this betch (or any betch, for that matter) to want to date you.

Be assertive, but not aggressive.

Be a kind man without being a pushover.

And be the guy she wants to relaysh with, not the one she wants to talk about guys she wants to relaysh with to.

#mc

This question was asked via our Formspring.

Dear Vodka Vendettas,

How many times have you used a guy just for the food? And, where do you draw the line between a nice convo - free food and potential for more (tap buddies, MO sesh, relaysh material)?

Love,

What Are Boundaries?

Dear What Are Boundaries?,

Wait. Zack, is that you?? I’m, like, superrrr sorry I didn’t return all those texts….or phone calls….or FB messages….or e-mails. I’ve just been, like, really, really, busy, and stuff. Thanks for dinner, though! And coffee! *~HugZ~*

My metaphor for this question is going to be the radio.

Yes, that thing that’s in your car that you listen to when your iPod dies.

Guy to have fun with: This guy is cool, has some cash to blow on you and your penchant for mexican and margs, and best of all—he’s eager. He likes you, and you have a really good time with him, but for whatever reason, the spark just isn’t there. Maybe he’s too nice. Or needy. Or fug. Maybe you’re just not that into him. He’s like that song on the radio that comes on and you’re definitely not a fan of it, but you don’t totally hate it either. You’ll listen to it for like 30 seconds, and then click around the stations, but if nothing else is on, you’ll come back to it. Definitely not someone you want to commit to, but not a bad guy to keep around when you want a free drink and a good chat.

Guy to MO with: This guy is a step above mexican and margs bro, but a step below tap buddies (so glad this term has caught on) and two steps below relaysh material. He’s like that song that you can kindof dig in the car, but whenever you’re drunk with your girlfriends at the bar, it is like THE. SONG., and you just have to dance your fucking heart out. Yeah. He’s that song. He’s like the Katy Perry-Lady GaGa (before she got all “I’m gay, but not gay,” weird as fuck-ish) song of bros. Not anything you really want to listen to (or MO with) before four or five (or seven) shots, but after, you’re, like, all in. He’s not relaysh-worthy, but you’re at least somewhat attracted to him (and let’s face it, those vodka sodas didn’t hurt). He’s also not someone you would necessarily want to sleep with, but a little drunken MO side sesh isn’t out of question.

FWB: Ahh, tap buddies. This is probably the most difficult to define. …Well, not really….it’s friends….who fuck. But, whatever. This is the guy you’re super attracted to physically, but for whatever reason, you just can’t convince yourself that he is relationship material. Maybe he’s an idiot. Or unfunny. Or has intimacy issues (does he wear socks when you shag?). He’s like that song that comes on that you know all the words to and actually really like, but you just can never remember to download it and put it on your iTunes.

Guy to relaysh with: (Yes, I just made that a verb. Do you love it?) This bro is that song that you scan the radio channels for, dyingggg to hear. You can’t get it out of your head and when it finally comes on it’s, like, the. best. two and a half minutes of your life (hopefully this isn’t literally indicative of your future sex life). Once you finally figure out the name of it, you Youtube that bitch and listen to it back-to-back (to-back-to-back) for like three hours while doing your eyemakeup and refreshing your Facebook/Twitter tabs. You don’t want to date a guy you want to “change the station on.” You want to like him enough that you don’t give a fuck what else is on the rest of those lame-ass stations because you’ve got the best of the best. The crème de la crème. The pièce de résistance. The Louboutin among the Steve Maddens. …Ok, you get it.

And hey, some songs (bros) you aren’t really that into at first, but once you’ve listened to them (see: made out with them) six or seven times, they actually start to grow on you.

But remember, never commit to a guy you don’t want to listen to on repeat.

Fucking duh.

#mc

Been there, touched that. We’ve all had a run-in with several different types of guys during our favorite pastime (which is dating and not dating). Out of all the types in the world, however, we have narrowed it down to three main bros that really fuck with our heads. Consider this the brodictionary, and here’s a case-specific guide on why you should run, not walk, when you find yourself booed up with one of these walking red flags.

The non-commiter: This is a guy we all know and love to hate. We’ve drank with him. We’ve fucked him. We’ve even been on a few dates with him. We’ve done these things all the while knowing that this bro can’t commit. Not that you want, like, wedding bells or anything (let’s enjoy our 20s, shall we?), but you would like to pretend for your ego’s sake that this relaysh has SOME kind of potential for future commitment. He likes you (duh, who wouldn’t?), but he sends mixed signals because he’s “busy with work” or “not sure what he wants right now.” As if. It’s not any reflection on you (because obvi you’re totes out of his league anyway), but one of the best things about being betchtastic is knowing that every guy wants to be with you, at all times. And if this one isn’t showing as much eagerness to engage you as you’re used to, it’s frustrating as fuck, while simultaneously intriguing. Why doesn’t he return my texts right away? Should I have worn higher heels? Is my hair too flat? Does he hate my new mascara? It really has nothing to do with any of that, though, because this guy isn’t looking to settle down at all right now. With anyone. Not even with your betchy ass. God damn him.

The clinger: Stage 5 alert. This is your average text-you-seven-times-within-24-hours-even-with-no-response-then-found-your-email-on-Facebook-and-sent-you-four-just-to-see-if-your-phone-was-stolen type of bro. You made the mistake of giving him your number for a class project because you thought he would do all of the work while you winged out your eyeliner, but now he thinks you’re like fucking engaged or some shit. This is one of the most annoying types of bros because. He. Won’t. Leave. You. The. Fuck. Alone. It’s totally great that we both like iced coffee and were born in the same town 20 years ago, but can you please just give me answers 1-45 and we be on our separate ways? This is the type of guy that you have to threaten legal action because clearly your subtle “leave me the fuck alone” texts aren’t doing their job. For further instructions on how to deal with this particular brand of crazy, see: How to avoid the double, triple and just-won’t-fucking-stop texter.

The stuck on the ex: You’re dating (see: hooking up with) this guy for, like, two months and you notice that it’s kind of weird how much he brings up his ex. He likes to talk about how much he “hates” her and how he can’t believe they were ever together. What makes it super weird is that fact that he still has pictures of her in his room, and talks to her mom on FB chat. And that shrine in his closet was a little suspect, too…. Ok, maybe not the last one, but still, there’s wayyyy too much of her still in his life to make you feel at ease. He always finds a way to shit talk her, but you’re beginning to realize this might just be a carefully orchestrated ploy to mask his true, more tender feelings for this other betch that clearly broke his heart. Oh, fuck. Are you the rebound?????? You swore you would never let yourself be “that girl.” You bring up your concerns, which he dismisses adamantly, while still continuing to talk shit about her. What you can’t bring yourself to understand is why he thought she was hot shit in the first place. She clearly never had braces. Her style is ehh at best. And her idea of fun is like rock climbing or churning butter. As good of a time as you two have at date parties and Wednesday Night Drinking Club (WNDC), this bro is toxic and who the fuck wants to play second fiddle to some poorly-dressed, gap-toothed woodswoman? Next.

As stated, there are a plethora of different types of bros out there, you just have to find the ones that are less emotionally-unavailable and crazy than the others (because, let’s face it, they’re all fucking insane).

Good luck, and happy bro hunting, bitches.

#mc