If you have the pleasure of knowing me personally, you can bank on the fact that I’m always always always usually right. Unless, of course, we’re dating, in which case, everything turns into a game of “we don’t understand each others’ perspective, so why don’t we just fight to the death like we’re in the fucking Hunger Games.”

As a betch, I take pride in the fact that I’m, ahem, usually right. So when someone tests me [espesh a S.O. (even if they’re right)] I have to refrain (like, REALLY refrain) from becoming a defensive bitch regardless of what the topic of discussion may be. That’s when the age old question comes into play— “Is it better to be right or to be happy?” For a betch, this is super complicated because for us, being right IS being happy. Am I right? (See what I did there?)

I don’t like apologizing……ever. And usually…..I don’t. But every now and then, I’ll do something that not even I can defend. I hate it. Like, really. But, alas, an apology must be made.

Oh, and for future reference, it’s best to just not do anything that you even MIGHT have to apologize for (because, hello, being sorry sucks). But, as we all know, betches get caught up in the moment and enjoy the last word, even if those words include, “I’m sleeping with your chapter’s president.” Or, “You never meant anything to me, loser,” when obvi neither of those sentiments are actually, well, true.

How to apologize if you were being honest, but what you said was fucked up: Awkward. You actually meant what you said to your BF, but what you said was, like, totes inapprop. And in the heat of the moment your filter was nowhere to be found, just like those Jbrands you let Heather borrow two swaps ago (what the hell, betch?).

Shit girlfriends say: “That shitty-ass ring you gave me for Christmas was HIDS. AS. FUCK.” So yeah, he gave you a less-than-optimal Christmas gift (that turned your finger green), but bringing up that tid-bit in June is neither helpful, relevant, or, well, respectful. This little seemingly harmless sentence will not only hurt your S.O., it’ll also sprout distrust and create a rift between the two of you because you obvs LIED about thinking the ring was “so0o0o0o0o adorbs and sweet!”

Damage control: “Trev, I’m really sorry I said that about the ring you gave me. It was obviously not hids or I wouldn’t have worn it all the time. It was super thoughtful of you to get it for me, and I was a total bitch for saying any of that.” Yes, you said some hurtful shit. But, even betches are human, and we all make mistakes (remember that Juicy tracksuit circa 2004?). 

How to apologize if you said some hurtful shit just for sport: So you didn’t even mean what you said to him. You just got pissed off and let your emotions take ahold of you (grossssss).

Shit girlfriends say: “You never make me happy!!!!” Ouch. Obvs if this were true, you wouldn’t have started dating this bro in the first place. But if you ever feel like being a complete asshole, this is the perfect go-to. It’s like the little black dress of mean shit you should never say to anyone.

Damage control: “I know I can’t take back what I said, but I hope you know I didn’t mean any of that. At all.” Well, those terrible words are already out there, so why not confess that they literally held no stock whatsoever? I hate (like, haaaaaaaaate) when I do things I’m not proud of (unless I’m drunk, then it totes doesn’t count, right?), BUT sometimes I definitely let the vindictive side possess me, which leads to rude words, drink tossing and fake pregnancies (my bad, Josh!).

Remember: The only thing less chic than being sorry is having cellulite. So if you don’t want to have to apologize to anyone, learn the difference between being a betch and being a bitch.Because, I promise, no one wants to date a bitch.

#mc

One of the best things about being a betch is that a mild case of narcissism and self-proclaimed heartlessness is not only accepted, but encouraged. …That sentence is the closest I get to having that warm, fuzzy feeling except when I, you know, buy a new pair of heels (or wedges. or a purse. or a belt. or earrings. or…)

I’m my favorite subject and caring is creepy. I mean, hello? If you aren’t concerned with yourself, who will be, right? And because I love myself so much, it makes it supereasy to determine whether or not someone I’m in a relationship with feels the same way. Natch we all show love in different ways, but if you’re not FBO and he isn’t wining and dining you, like, ever, is he really your boyfriend?

Just because I am, ahem, a bit of a narcissist, doesn’t mean that I have completely lost touch with reality regarding my expectations of the opposite sex. Just…well…somewhat.

Could someone tell Brett that just because he got me a card for Vday doesn’t make up for not. getting. me. a. present.????? Like, you obvi knew it was important enough to require a gesture from your end. But just a card? Really? I’m not saying I expected Yurman (though, I would have preferred it), but I would have settled for some decent chocolate, maybe my favorite magazine and a bottle of wine? Just some suggestions, loser. I baked you a damn cake and wore La Perla, it’s the least you can do (no, wait, the card was the least…).

Oh, Jason, could you, like, I don’t know, say thanks when I travel three hours to visit you? I mean, with more than just your mouth (not like that, you pervs!). But really, actions speak louder than words, so if you could give me a non-sexual massage or agree to watch Clueless, that would be great.

And Alex, if you put down Temple Run for long enough to closed-eye kiss me, I might even consider not sexting your fraternity brother.

See? All relationships have their problems. And ok, ok, I’m not saying that I am clearly obviously totally absolutely undeniably completely without fault. I could be nicer (ew) and way more understanding (gag). But as soon as guys realize betches need love, too, maybe we can be a little more obsessed with them and a little less obsessed with ourselves (maybe).

#mc

Hey, psychos.

As per the usj ush ujgh usual (what the shit is the abbrev for that!?), we have been receiving a plethora of questions via our Formspring asking us to please please PLEASE reveal the secrets behind the male mind and unveil what his completely fucking confusing not-so-clear signals really mean.

Allow me to preface this by saying that the number ONE way to know a guy you are interested in IS into you is….wait for it…..dun dun dun…here we go, ladies….you will be DATING each other. Duh, you loser. Hello?

Because more than half of the communication we have with these bros occurs via text, I decided it would be relevant to include some example texts that I’m sure we’ve ALL received from one bro or another.

You’re welcome.

“If he’s not ready to DTR, you better not be DTF.”

• Bro Pro: He asks you to dinner instead of his place to “watch a movie.” If he is making strides to court you as opposed to just getting you in bed for a game of suck and blow, then you’re on the right track to relayshville, population=you.

Good: We should probably go out sometime, just let me know when’s good this week (7:16 p.m.)

Bad: Wanna come watch a movie at my place? (12:02 a.m.)

Ugly: hey amnber I think u sdhould probabley ride over (2:12 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: If he texts/calls during daylight hours. If a bro is blowing you up (espesh between 11 p.m.-3 a.m.), he is interested in one thing—your vagina. Unless you are interested in simply being something for this guy to masturbate into, I suggest you don’t reply.

Good: Morning, girl (9:35 a.m.)

Bad: Where you at? (11:33 p.m.)

Ugly: we’ve got beer over here if ur interested (1:36 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: He tells you/implies that he misses YOU, not just your ladyparts. Though we all love to be complimented on how much he loves that thing we do with our tongue, we’re more than just a perfect pair of T’s and pouty lips.

Good: I’d love to see you (8:01 p.m.)

Bad: Wouldn’t mind running into you sometime soon (10:59 p.m.)

Ugly: I really really really wanna hav sex w/ u (3:16 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: He gives you compliments other than how much he loves your pillow talk. Stop. Stop. STOP. Pursuing guys who only talk about how nice your ass is and start dating men who appreciate your ass AND your brains.

Good: You seriously crack me up, funny, smart and beautiful (9:23 p.m.)

Bad: Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are? (11:22 p.m.)

Ugly: youre really hot and id prob not throw u outta bed if u were hre (1:19 a.m.)

• Bro Pro: His friends know who you are (and not just how hot you are). If he is talking about you to his bros (and not just about how much he wants to know your cup size), then there’s a good chance that he’s interested in pursuing a little more than just friendship.

Good: Do you care if we hang out with John and Zach later? They love you (3:44 p.m.)

Bad:

Him: me and the guys are talking about you (9:18 p.m.)

You: really? (9:49 p.m.)

Him: yeah. My friends think you’re hot (9:55 p.m.)

Ugly: Conner just asked me when im gonna hit that (10:40 p.m.)

• Bro Pro: He asks to hang out in advance. It shows that there aren’t other girls on the menu. You should expect to have at least three full days from the time of an invitation is extended to the actual event (date, cocktail, whatever).

Good: You interested in doing something Friday? (11:11 a.m.)

Bad: What are you doing later? (4:13 p.m.)

Ugly: ru free 2night? (9:14 p.m.)

Learn to be more savvy, sluts!

#mc

We had a question asked via our Formspring that inspired this post:

“Is it ever worth it/even possible to be friends with an ex? We’ve been broken up for a few months and he said he wants to be friends (he broke up with me). my feelings for him aren’t completely gone…but i dont want him out of my life completely…help”

To view my direct response, go here: Formspring

It IS possible to maintain a genuine friendship with an ex. But you have to understand, that this is the exception, not the rule. When a relationship is over, it doesn’t mean that you have to necessarily remove this person out of your life completely (unless they, like, killed your cat or something….RIP, Fluffykins). You just need to be honest with yourself and know when you are ready to be friends, ready to be acquaintances, or ready to let that shit burn (and by “shit,” I mean his shit that he left at your place before you caught him cheating. Bonfire, anyone?).

The top three reasons you shouldn’t “be friends” just yet (or ever)—

If you (yes, you) are the dumpee (as in, the one currently shoveling Ben & Jerry’s from a spatula down your throat and crying to The Notebook in yoga pants and his old football jersey), then you. aren’t. ready. You can pretend it was mutual or try to convince yourself that if you take him up on his “just friends” suggestion that you can eventually manipulate your way back into the GF posish (position, duh). Well, honey, I hate to break your heart twice, but you’re totes delusional. If he dumped you, odds are, he’s not coming back. And ew, why would you want him to????? Get your skinny fatass off that Dorito-covered Futon, go to the gym, wave when you see him, and pretend like you just don’t give a fuck. And guess what? When you continue to do this, you actually will end up NOT caring. At all. Oh, and don’t even CONSIDER going to that lunch date. While he may just want to check up on you, you’ll misconstrue the entire event as his attempt to reconcile and then all the progress you’ve made will be forgotten, and all you’ll be able to remember are the China patterns you want for your future home together. You aren’t ready for a friendship with him until you’re the one who cares less. Remember that. And try not to mislead yourself or anyone else into believing otherwise.

He cheated. Or did something equally awful (like, suggest you are a medium when you’re clearly a small. Or, like, take you shopping at Sears or….*gasp*….Payless). I mean, this should be a no-brainer, right? If I’m not in a relaysh with him, I shouldn’t be friends with him, either? Exactly! No matter how much you would like to pretend you’re over him and “over it,” it doesn’t matter because, hello? This guy sucks. If he was that shitty of a boyfriend, how good of a friend do you honestly think he’s going to be to you when you are no longer doing his laundry, or making his sandwich, or giving him bj’s? Snap out of it, you silly betch! If he did something so extremely unforgivable, then why would you even consider rewarding him with the honor of your friendship? Of course he’s saying he’s “sorry.” Hell, he might even mean it. But the fact of the matter is, if he ever respected you enough in the first place, he wouldn’t have done the thing that he did, because you would mean too much for him to want to jeopardize that. The harsh reality is that you didn’t, so he did. Why assume he’s going to respect you any more as a friend than he did as your boyfriend? I’m not encouraging sending him queued hatemail every Thursday or tweeting his mom about how awful of a son she’s raised. But you need to accept that what he did was wrong and if it was enough to crumble a relationship, you need to know that there might not be enough left between you two to salvage a friendship.

You are dating someone else. Ok, like I said, there are instances where the unthinkable happens— the stars align, the angels sing and everything just really falls into place. Odds are, this isn’t that time. If you were once involved with a bro, unless it was, you know, in middle school and you’re like a soph in college, it’s safe to say this guy is out of the running for bestie-boo material. I’m not saying you can’t pull a stop-and-chat when you run into him on campus or do the wave when you see him at the bar after two three five vodka sodas. I’m just saying that out of respect for your current partner, maintaining a friendship with a bro who used to be inside of you, might be a little inapprop. I mean, imagine if the Jimmy Choo were on the other foot, would you want your guy hanging out with some skank that he used to call a “girlfriend?” Obvi no!

No matter what the terms were during the breakup, there are always going to be some unresolved feelings and emotions attached to the relaysh that once was. This is normal. If they’re lukewarm for both of you, then whatevs, just proceed into a friendship with caution. I always recommend being civil with an ex. I mean, duh, at least pretend to not hate that uglyhot bastard with his cheap new arm candy (think: Sixlets, not Godiva), right? Right.

#mc

After flipping through the standard fash mags’ “Dos and Don’ts,” and perusing the InterwebZ for what’s “in” and “out” and whatthefuckever. I’ve taken it upon myself to devise a list of my own of what I believe to exhibit absolute betchiness of the moment and the flipside— absolute smh-risible-ridiculousness. This isn’t going to cover the obvs— iced coffee, pearls, Ryan Gosling, hating Lady GaGa, eating/not eating, Mean Girls, glitter, Michael Kors, hummus, etc. Because, hello? Do you live under a cock rock? This may even become a weekly edition of #vv if I decide to not be lazy (…so probs not).

So betchy:

• Neons. I mean, where have you been? If you frequent any fashion blog/magazine/cloumn or, shit, even TFM seems to agree. Neons are everywhere. And I like it.

• Fun manis. This should kindof come as a “duh.” But from what I’ve seen, some of you need to say “buh-bye” to the French and welcome yourselves to the grand world of Chanel’s “Graphite” and OPI’s “Blue My Mind.” Live a little, sloots.
• Pretending to be organized. Happy New Year! Here’s a planner that I’m nev going to use, but how fucking cute does it look in my Longchamp?

Not betchy:

• Facebook Timeline. If I wanted my FB to look like MySpace, I wouldn’t have stopped using Tom’s site circa 2007, k? If I were in the market for a “timeline” website, I’d get a fucking blog…another one. Aside from the utter aesthetic displeasure I suffer every time I log in. This shit is wayyy TMI. Like, I would rather not relive those tragic American Eagle jeans from my senior year in high school or that bangs moment I was trying to have in ‘08. Damn you, Zuckerberg, you fucking loser.
  

• Trying too hard. First of all, ew. I support sorority pride just as much as the next sister, but as betches, you need to embrace the idea of not working. And trying too hard is what? Work. Duh. Cool hair accessories, though! False.

Please note basically any picture on this page: http://totalfratmove.com/tsm-photos

• Katy. Perry. She’s the most overrated thing since Missoni for Target. I mean, gag. Let’s face the facts here: she’s not exceptionally talented…or pretty….or interesting. She goes so far out of her way to be weird (see: Lady GaGa; Nicki Minaj) that it’s become predictable and, yawn, boring. She’s also a perf example of TTH (trying too hard). Vom. *Caveat: Vodka Vendettas does not claim ownership to any of the above photos. All images are easily accessible through the Internet and assumed to be public domain. Images shown are believed to be within the public’s right of U.S. Copyright Fair Use Act (Title 17, U.S. Code). To view the original website, click on each image….betch.

#mc

This question was asked via our Formspring.

Dear Vodka Vendettas,

In response to the radio metaphor of relational behaviors: as a guy, how does one get from the song that’s good but not good enough to leave on to the song that’s stuck on repeat?

Love,

Desperately Seeking Repeat

Dear Desperately Seeking Repeat,

Friendzone, eh? I hate to say this, but it’s really her move at this point. The ball is in her court, and there’s not much you can do. I mean, duh, presents and sushi don’t hurt, but do you really want to have to BUY her affections? I know you may be thinking, “I don’t care how I get her as long as I get her.” Well, stop. That’s probably one reason you’re just “The Guy to Have Fun With” and not “The Guy to Relaysh With.” Women don’t want to date “friends.” We already have a vagina, we don’t need another one.

What you need to do now is really assess your situation. Do you even really like this girl? What do you really know about her? Could you stand only being friends with her? Do you just want to have sex with her?

After you’ve reached an honest conclusion on whether or not you really, truly want to date her, then you can make certain strides to get out of the FZ, but once you’re there, I will warn you, it’s hard to escape….

-Always be a gentleman, but never be a p******

*(I hate that word, but I really couldn’t think of a synonym that really drove the point across.)

Open doors, get dinner, listen to her. Like, REALLY listen to her (we like that shit). You need to show her that you care, duh, but you can’t make yourself overly available. Guys don’t like that, and guess what? We don’t either. If you’re too available, it freaks us out. Like, WHY aren’t you busy? Why did you respond to my text within two minutes? Why did you just “like” something on my FB from three months ago? Are you some kindof weirdo? Are you going to save strands of my hair? Are you going to kill me?

-Don’t pressure her into dating you

This should just be common sense, but from what I’ve seen—it isn’t. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FORCE SOMEONE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU?!!! Trying to manipulate and coerce a girl to be in a relaysh with you is pathetic. And in fact, it’s going to be completely counterproductive because then she’s going to realize how much of a loser you are. Sorry I’m not sorry. Just be cool and relaxed. And no, I don’t just mean act cool and relaxed. Actually BE cool and relaxed. You need to slow your roll and accept that FZ really might be as far as this goes. And you need to honestly, genuinely be ok with that. If this chick means as much to you as you think, being friends with her will be better than nothing at all. Duh.

-Be confident

I’m not saying you need to develop some seedy, douchey alter bro-ego, I’m just saying if you’re needy and insecure all the time, no one is going to want to fuck date you, including the girl in question. If you’re constantly asking, “Is anything wrong?” “Are you ok?” “Do you think this could ever go anywhere?” The answers are, “Yes, you.” “No.” “And hell no.” Like I said before, you need to RELAX and be willing to see where this goes without forcing anything. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more likely it is for this betch (or any betch, for that matter) to want to date you.

Be assertive, but not aggressive.

Be a kind man without being a pushover.

And be the guy she wants to relaysh with, not the one she wants to talk about guys she wants to relaysh with to.

#mc

This question was asked via our Formspring.

Dear Vodka Vendettas,

How many times have you used a guy just for the food? And, where do you draw the line between a nice convo - free food and potential for more (tap buddies, MO sesh, relaysh material)?

Love,

What Are Boundaries?

Dear What Are Boundaries?,

Wait. Zack, is that you?? I’m, like, superrrr sorry I didn’t return all those texts….or phone calls….or FB messages….or e-mails. I’ve just been, like, really, really, busy, and stuff. Thanks for dinner, though! And coffee! *~HugZ~*

My metaphor for this question is going to be the radio.

Yes, that thing that’s in your car that you listen to when your iPod dies.

Guy to have fun with: This guy is cool, has some cash to blow on you and your penchant for mexican and margs, and best of all—he’s eager. He likes you, and you have a really good time with him, but for whatever reason, the spark just isn’t there. Maybe he’s too nice. Or needy. Or fug. Maybe you’re just not that into him. He’s like that song on the radio that comes on and you’re definitely not a fan of it, but you don’t totally hate it either. You’ll listen to it for like 30 seconds, and then click around the stations, but if nothing else is on, you’ll come back to it. Definitely not someone you want to commit to, but not a bad guy to keep around when you want a free drink and a good chat.

Guy to MO with: This guy is a step above mexican and margs bro, but a step below tap buddies (so glad this term has caught on) and two steps below relaysh material. He’s like that song that you can kindof dig in the car, but whenever you’re drunk with your girlfriends at the bar, it is like THE. SONG., and you just have to dance your fucking heart out. Yeah. He’s that song. He’s like the Katy Perry-Lady GaGa (before she got all “I’m gay, but not gay,” weird as fuck-ish) song of bros. Not anything you really want to listen to (or MO with) before four or five (or seven) shots, but after, you’re, like, all in. He’s not relaysh-worthy, but you’re at least somewhat attracted to him (and let’s face it, those vodka sodas didn’t hurt). He’s also not someone you would necessarily want to sleep with, but a little drunken MO side sesh isn’t out of question.

FWB: Ahh, tap buddies. This is probably the most difficult to define. …Well, not really….it’s friends….who fuck. But, whatever. This is the guy you’re super attracted to physically, but for whatever reason, you just can’t convince yourself that he is relationship material. Maybe he’s an idiot. Or unfunny. Or has intimacy issues (does he wear socks when you shag?). He’s like that song that comes on that you know all the words to and actually really like, but you just can never remember to download it and put it on your iTunes.

Guy to relaysh with: (Yes, I just made that a verb. Do you love it?) This bro is that song that you scan the radio channels for, dyingggg to hear. You can’t get it out of your head and when it finally comes on it’s, like, the. best. two and a half minutes of your life (hopefully this isn’t literally indicative of your future sex life). Once you finally figure out the name of it, you Youtube that bitch and listen to it back-to-back (to-back-to-back) for like three hours while doing your eyemakeup and refreshing your Facebook/Twitter tabs. You don’t want to date a guy you want to “change the station on.” You want to like him enough that you don’t give a fuck what else is on the rest of those lame-ass stations because you’ve got the best of the best. The crème de la crème. The pièce de résistance. The Louboutin among the Steve Maddens. …Ok, you get it.

And hey, some songs (bros) you aren’t really that into at first, but once you’ve listened to them (see: made out with them) six or seven times, they actually start to grow on you.

But remember, never commit to a guy you don’t want to listen to on repeat.

Fucking duh.

#mc

Clearly, not having sexual relations with potential bros is a foreign concept to all you betches, so I’ve taken the liberty to compile a mini-playlist to help you get a grasp on VV’s cardinal rule: Not Sleeping With Bros You Want to Date. If they want the goodies, tell them they can’t have them because they’re in a jar—only to be accessed by boyfriends!

You’re welcome.

#mc

Gwen Stefani “Hollaback Girl”

Betchiest Lyric:

“Few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no Hollaback Girl”

En Vogue “Your Lovin’ (Never Gonna Get It)

Betchiest Lyric:

“Maybe next time you’ll give your woman a little respect
So you won’t be hearing her say, “No way”

Monica “The First Night”

Betchiest Lyric:

“Tryin’ to say things to get me to stay
But my watch is telling me it’s getting too late”

Been there, touched that. We’ve all had a run-in with several different types of guys during our favorite pastime (which is dating and not dating). Out of all the types in the world, however, we have narrowed it down to three main bros that really fuck with our heads. Consider this the brodictionary, and here’s a case-specific guide on why you should run, not walk, when you find yourself booed up with one of these walking red flags.

The non-commiter: This is a guy we all know and love to hate. We’ve drank with him. We’ve fucked him. We’ve even been on a few dates with him. We’ve done these things all the while knowing that this bro can’t commit. Not that you want, like, wedding bells or anything (let’s enjoy our 20s, shall we?), but you would like to pretend for your ego’s sake that this relaysh has SOME kind of potential for future commitment. He likes you (duh, who wouldn’t?), but he sends mixed signals because he’s “busy with work” or “not sure what he wants right now.” As if. It’s not any reflection on you (because obvi you’re totes out of his league anyway), but one of the best things about being betchtastic is knowing that every guy wants to be with you, at all times. And if this one isn’t showing as much eagerness to engage you as you’re used to, it’s frustrating as fuck, while simultaneously intriguing. Why doesn’t he return my texts right away? Should I have worn higher heels? Is my hair too flat? Does he hate my new mascara? It really has nothing to do with any of that, though, because this guy isn’t looking to settle down at all right now. With anyone. Not even with your betchy ass. God damn him.

The clinger: Stage 5 alert. This is your average text-you-seven-times-within-24-hours-even-with-no-response-then-found-your-email-on-Facebook-and-sent-you-four-just-to-see-if-your-phone-was-stolen type of bro. You made the mistake of giving him your number for a class project because you thought he would do all of the work while you winged out your eyeliner, but now he thinks you’re like fucking engaged or some shit. This is one of the most annoying types of bros because. He. Won’t. Leave. You. The. Fuck. Alone. It’s totally great that we both like iced coffee and were born in the same town 20 years ago, but can you please just give me answers 1-45 and we be on our separate ways? This is the type of guy that you have to threaten legal action because clearly your subtle “leave me the fuck alone” texts aren’t doing their job. For further instructions on how to deal with this particular brand of crazy, see: How to avoid the double, triple and just-won’t-fucking-stop texter.

The stuck on the ex: You’re dating (see: hooking up with) this guy for, like, two months and you notice that it’s kind of weird how much he brings up his ex. He likes to talk about how much he “hates” her and how he can’t believe they were ever together. What makes it super weird is that fact that he still has pictures of her in his room, and talks to her mom on FB chat. And that shrine in his closet was a little suspect, too…. Ok, maybe not the last one, but still, there’s wayyyy too much of her still in his life to make you feel at ease. He always finds a way to shit talk her, but you’re beginning to realize this might just be a carefully orchestrated ploy to mask his true, more tender feelings for this other betch that clearly broke his heart. Oh, fuck. Are you the rebound?????? You swore you would never let yourself be “that girl.” You bring up your concerns, which he dismisses adamantly, while still continuing to talk shit about her. What you can’t bring yourself to understand is why he thought she was hot shit in the first place. She clearly never had braces. Her style is ehh at best. And her idea of fun is like rock climbing or churning butter. As good of a time as you two have at date parties and Wednesday Night Drinking Club (WNDC), this bro is toxic and who the fuck wants to play second fiddle to some poorly-dressed, gap-toothed woodswoman? Next.

As stated, there are a plethora of different types of bros out there, you just have to find the ones that are less emotionally-unavailable and crazy than the others (because, let’s face it, they’re all fucking insane).

Good luck, and happy bro hunting, bitches.

#mc