If you have the pleasure of knowing me personally, you can bank on the fact that I’m
always always always usually right. Unless, of course, we’re dating, in which case, everything turns into a game of “we don’t understand each others’ perspective, so why don’t we just fight to the death like we’re in the fucking Hunger Games.”
As a betch, I take pride in the fact that I’m, ahem, usually right. So when someone tests me [espesh a S.O. (even if they’re right)] I have to refrain (like, REALLY refrain) from becoming a defensive bitch regardless of what the topic of discussion may be. That’s when the age old question comes into play— “Is it better to be right or to be happy?” For a betch, this is super complicated because for us, being right IS being happy. Am I right? (See what I did there?)
I don’t like apologizing……ever. And usually…..I don’t. But every now and then, I’ll do something that not even I can defend. I hate it. Like, really. But, alas, an apology must be made.
Oh, and for future reference, it’s best to just not do anything that you even MIGHT have to apologize for (because, hello, being sorry sucks). But, as we all know, betches get caught up in the moment and enjoy the last word, even if those words include, “I’m sleeping with your chapter’s president.” Or, “You never meant anything to me, loser,” when obvi neither of those sentiments are actually, well, true.
How to apologize if you were being honest, but what you said was fucked up: Awkward. You actually meant what you said to your BF, but what you said was, like, totes inapprop. And in the heat of the moment your filter was nowhere to be found, just like those Jbrands you let Heather borrow two swaps ago (what the hell, betch?).
Shit girlfriends say: “That shitty-ass ring you gave me for Christmas was HIDS. AS. FUCK.” So yeah, he gave you a less-than-optimal Christmas gift (that turned your finger green), but bringing up that tid-bit in June is neither helpful, relevant, or, well, respectful. This little seemingly harmless sentence will not only hurt your S.O., it’ll also sprout distrust and create a rift between the two of you because you obvs LIED about thinking the ring was “so0o0o0o0o adorbs and sweet!”
Damage control: “Trev, I’m really sorry I said that about the ring you gave me. It was obviously not hids or I wouldn’t have worn it all the time. It was super thoughtful of you to get it for me, and I was a total bitch for saying any of that.” Yes, you said some hurtful shit. But, even betches are human, and we all make mistakes (remember that Juicy tracksuit circa 2004?).
How to apologize if you said some hurtful shit just for sport: So you didn’t even mean what you said to him. You just got pissed off and let your emotions take ahold of you (grossssss).
Shit girlfriends say: “You never make me happy!!!!” Ouch. Obvs if this were true, you wouldn’t have started dating this bro in the first place. But if you ever feel like being a complete asshole, this is the perfect go-to. It’s like the little black dress of mean shit you should never say to anyone.
Damage control: “I know I can’t take back what I said, but I hope you know I didn’t mean any of that. At all.” Well, those terrible words are already out there, so why not confess that they literally held no stock whatsoever? I hate (like, haaaaaaaaate) when I do things I’m not proud of (unless I’m drunk, then it totes doesn’t count, right?), BUT sometimes I definitely let the vindictive side possess me, which leads to rude words, drink tossing and fake pregnancies (my bad, Josh!).
Remember: The only thing less chic than being sorry is having cellulite. So if you don’t want to have to apologize to anyone, learn the difference between being a betch and being a bitch.Because, I promise, no one wants to date a bitch.