One of the best things about being a betch is that a mild case of narcissism and self-proclaimed heartlessness is not only accepted, but encouraged. …That sentence is the closest I get to having that warm, fuzzy feeling except when I, you know, buy a new pair of heels (or wedges. or a purse. or a belt. or earrings. or…)

I’m my favorite subject and caring is creepy. I mean, hello? If you aren’t concerned with yourself, who will be, right? And because I love myself so much, it makes it supereasy to determine whether or not someone I’m in a relationship with feels the same way. Natch we all show love in different ways, but if you’re not FBO and he isn’t wining and dining you, like, ever, is he really your boyfriend?

Just because I am, ahem, a bit of a narcissist, doesn’t mean that I have completely lost touch with reality regarding my expectations of the opposite sex. Just…well…somewhat.

Could someone tell Brett that just because he got me a card for Vday doesn’t make up for not. getting. me. a. present.????? Like, you obvi knew it was important enough to require a gesture from your end. But just a card? Really? I’m not saying I expected Yurman (though, I would have preferred it), but I would have settled for some decent chocolate, maybe my favorite magazine and a bottle of wine? Just some suggestions, loser. I baked you a damn cake and wore La Perla, it’s the least you can do (no, wait, the card was the least…).

Oh, Jason, could you, like, I don’t know, say thanks when I travel three hours to visit you? I mean, with more than just your mouth (not like that, you pervs!). But really, actions speak louder than words, so if you could give me a non-sexual massage or agree to watch Clueless, that would be great.

And Alex, if you put down Temple Run for long enough to closed-eye kiss me, I might even consider not sexting your fraternity brother.

See? All relationships have their problems. And ok, ok, I’m not saying that I am clearly obviously totally absolutely undeniably completely without fault. I could be nicer (ew) and way more understanding (gag). But as soon as guys realize betches need love, too, maybe we can be a little more obsessed with them and a little less obsessed with ourselves (maybe).

#mc