I’ve dated a lot of guys. Not, like a lot a lot, but a lot. It’s just that I get reallyyyy bored, reallyyyyy fast. With them, and with whatever Dave Matthews song they’re into. So then I break up with them and start dating someone else who is obsessed with another Dave Matthews song. And then I get tired of that one and occasionally find myself with someone who is obsessed with Nickelback, and then I just convince them to jump off their Fortune 500 companies’ building. But I digress.
The point I’m trying to make is that we need to stop being soooo obsessed with finding “The One”/future hubby/guy who will be cool with holding your hand when a baby pops out of your vagina, that we totes forget that it is okay to date someone for the not-so-distant future. I like to call this: Opportunity Dating.
op·por·tu·ni·ty dat·ing [op-er-too-ni-tee deyt-ing]
1. Dating someone because of an appropriate or favorable time or occasion.
Pierre (name has been changed due to
restraining order privacy reasons) and I met immediately after my long-term, on-again-off-again, I hate you again-I love you again, you’re an asshole again-you’re so perfect again ex and I had broken up. And by immediately after, I mean he was behind us in line at Whole Foods when it happened.
Me: “What do you mean, you prefer peanut butter to almond butter!? Are you psycho? Are you seeing someone else? Does she have peanut butter? Did she BUY you peanut butter!?”
Ex: “Uh, no. Stop overreacting.”
Me: “Overreacting!? Ohmigod, you’re so annoying. It’s over. Bye. Hand me that tofu.”
Pierre: “Are you okay?”
Me: “Absolutely. Make out with me. Now.”
Pierre: “Sure, whatever.” (He was really good with words.)
So then this make-out/slobber/hickey-giving sesh occurred right there in line at the grocery store, and my ex looked totally shocked and totally grossed out and totally ready to propose to me after I stopped making out with the rando and accepted his apology. That didn’t exactly happen, but my relationship with Pierre was amazing. It lasted until he purchased his Seventh Generation laundry detergent and I realized he hadn’t brought his own shopping bags, so I was done. But my ex was totes jeal, and we got back together the next day and then broke up again a few hours later.
2. Dating someone because of a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal.
In the summer of 2010 I was vacaying in Miami which was kind of Spring Break-y/Jersey Shore-y to me, but I totally digged the “No shoes, no shirt, no service; No shoes, no shirt, no shorts, no problem,” uniform going on down there, so it was cool. I found my way to Collins Ave., hoping to score the latest Celine hobo bag I’d had my eye on
foreverrrrr for two days, when I realized I’d totally lost all nine of my credit cards the night before. I just, like, really thought that bathroom attendant I’d asked to hold my clutch at the club was a legit, trustworthy person. False. I was super upset for about 14.3 seconds until I realized that the salesperson working at the Celine store was straight, and not as hot as me. Perfect. Jean-Jacques (yes, they were all French) was completely into me, and by closing time I had convinced him to buy me the hobo purse with his store discount. (Side note: I would never actually date someone in retail, but I was so obsessed with that bag!) I found out later that Jean-Jacques got fired because he actually stole the bag for me, which I think makes me an accomplice or something, so I just avoid Miami now. It was too hot anyway.
3. Dating someone for advancement or success.
So I fucked my boss. Okay? Get over it.
Opportunity Dating is really easy and super beneficial. If you’re one of those psychos looking for something long-term, like a shared mortgage or 401k (whatever the hell that is), Opportunity Dating is so not for you. But if you need a hot date to your sister’s third wedding, or someone to hold your purse while you shop, or pay for your stuff while you shop, or shop and pay for your stuff while you sleep, then Opportunity Dating needs to be numero uno on your resume of Shit You Do Well.